Battles with Compulsion

I am watching the Oscars and I feel like David Hasselhoff.  I just ate two thirds of a package of Oreos.  I feel disgusting and just repulsed with what I have just done.  Not the first, nor will it most likely be the last time either.  

Small Strides

Last night, I wrote a lot about why I set up this blog and not necessarily what I would like to accomplish.  It has been a constant struggle, my weight that is and really for the first time it is dawning on me the potential dangers of the lifestyle I have led up to this point.  I have enjoyed it thus far; but I am lucky I guess in some way that it hasn't come back to bite me too hard.  But then again, who knows what the future may hold.  I've told the stories over and over again about how I did this to myself and what I had done to hurt myself physically, mentally, and most importantly emotionally.  

It really began when I started wrestling, though not all that drastically when I was young.  I would wrestle at a certain weight class and my chart would always be down at the end of the hall just a few charts away from the "fat kids" - the heavyweights.  I would think to myself "Thank god I'm not one of them..."  Karma's a bitch?  But nonetheless throughout my life I have always upheld a consciousness about weight and I guess the connotations surrounding being heavy.  I started very early laying the seeds of the deep mental and emotional issues that my weight would later bring on.  And even at that age, I would make excuses about it, rather than taking the initiative with it.  Blaming "baby fat" on being a late bloomer, claiming to be thick-skinned or big-boned.  I always wanted these things to go away on their own; however, somewhere deep inside I knew that it wasn't going to.  I was too lazy take care of it.  But by the same token I was still very athletic and only at this point in eighth grade.

I'm exhausted now.  I'll finish this tomorrow.  As for the vitals, I'll figure out how I'm going to work this all out.  But I ate a little bit better today.  I had some green tea and a ham and cheese omelette for breakfast, spicy peanut chicken for lunch, a Nutri-Grain bar as a snack and then I fell apart: four sliders, a small order of cajun fries, and a 24oz Coke.  And then another N-G bar.  But still, not as bad as this weekend.

The Start of My Journey

I haven't kept a blog since the time it was first cool, back in high school.  I am not really sure who in fact will read this blog, as I am not posting it anywhere or making it publicly known.  I am primarily using it as a motivator to holding myself accountable for my health and weight.  I read in a health article in the NY Times or CNN.com that this one lady lost like 150 lbs. by using her blog to hold herself accountable for what she ate/the exercise she did or did not do.  I am looking to use this in the same fashion because let's face it, I am really unhealthy.

  

To start, I currently weigh 276.4 lbs.  I am 5 feet 10 inches tall.  Until I began taking Nexium, I suffered from excruciating heartburn and esophageal spasms on a daily basis for a period longer than six months.  I just quit smoking after three and a half years on the wagon.  I binge drink one to three times a week.  I do not eat vegetables.  I eat mostly red meat and fried food.  I eat a lot of candy.  I eat a lot of breads and other starchy foods.  My father just got diagnosed and treated for male breast cancer.  From what I have read, although not in my father's case, male breast cancer has an increased probability in men who are overweight or obese, of which I am currently the latter.  My father's father, when he was healthy weighed close to 400 lbs.  His sister weighed nearly 300 lbs. at her heaviest.  His other sister isn't skinny by any stretch of the imagination.  

My mother has had to very minor bouts with skin cancer.  Her father was diabetic and had his first heart attack by the age of 43.  He then proceeded to suffer through three or four more before he eventually died.  So genetically I am predisposed to these things.  They are, literally and figuratively, in my blood and I have taken exactly zero steps up to this point in preventing their eventual occurrences.  And while I seem to have the genetic predisposition for just about every bad thing that can kill me, I would like to say I at least took all steps to prevent them.  If it happens later on in life it happens.  I don't think I would be able to forgive myself if the only reason I had a heart attack, or skin cancer, or breast cancer, or diabetes, or lung cancer was because of a lack of vigilance over and care for myself.  

The way I eat will eventually lead to diabetes and heart disease.  If I stay good with the non-smoking bit, I think I have taken one healthy step toward avoiding lung cancer, so I guess that is a plus.  The stomach problems seem to have subsided, although I will know for sure after March 1, 2008 when I go for an endoscopy.  I rejoined the gym, which I even exercised at once since then - which is in fact a big step for me.  I walked for 30 minutes at 3.5-3.8 mph, which left me sufficiently sweaty and winded and definitely got my heart going.  I play volleyball every Tuesday, which is I guess a form of exercise because it has the same effects and leaves me sore the next morning.  But it also makes me wonder how good I could be if I just wasn't so heavy.

So I guess this is how this blog will work.  I am going to post what I ate on that day, what exercise I may or may not have done throughout the day, and just random other weight/health issues that may be going through my head.  Because I have been living with weight/body image/mental issues like this since high school.  I have been making excuses about them such as blaming wrestling, claiming to have a slow metabolism, and even trying to make it self-deprecatingly comical.  But until now I have never actually tried to deal with the issues.  

So this is today I guess.  I woke up late after a night of heavy drinking...a few beers, some shots of Jagermeister, a forty of Olde English, and two chalices of Jack and ginger.  So at around 12:45 pm I went to brunch with my friend Hiroko.  There I ordered the Buttermilk Pancakes which was four pancakes, a few slices of banana and cantaloupe, and hash browns. Then on the side I ordered some bacon, which was not your normal 3-4 slices, but rather 6-7 crumpled pieces.  I ate all the bacon, but didn't touch the hash browns.  Then there was the two cups of coffee and a glass or two of water.  For lunch I made pinwheels, which are basically salami and American cheese rolled up.  A slice or two of salami and one slice of cheese - I had five of those, I think.  Then I grabbed a panino at Bite of prosciutto, fresh mozzarella, sun-dried tomato, olive oil, and basil with a Coke.  To cap the evening I went to Baskin Robins across the street and polished off two scoops of ice cream - one chocolate chip cookie dough and the other cookies and cream.  

I don't know what my expectations of this blog are to be honest.  Though even now, as I look back on the last 24 hours, I am slightly more than disgusted with the garbage I put in my body.  The only thing that could be considered even remotely near healthy was the panino...but let's not kid ourselves into believing pork can possibly be considered healthy.  And I ate it three times today.  So I guess I will sign off each post with my vitals and grades reflecting my intake and output as a way to track my progression or regression.  I am really going into this with no preset goals as to what I want to accomplish other than to get myself healthy.  This isn't me saying I want to lose x-amount of weight because I have done that and it put me in just as unhealthy a position as my weight gain did.  So to conclude, I want to get myself on a healthy path and I really just want to look good naked, haha.  

Age: 22

Height: 5'10''

Weight: 276.4 lbs

Heart: 80 bpm

Intake: D

Output: D